What now?

I wanted to hold off making a post until I could say for sure that I got a job. The Macy's interview seemed to go great. The lady interviewing me seemed very pleased and was pulling up her list of open positions and was asking what number would be best to call. She said she'd call back later that day or the next, which would have been Friday. It's now Saturday, and I'm worrying. I haven't let up on applying and calling places. Been resubmitting applications to the same places that have never gotten back to me. I'm really trying everything I can. Crystal and Mark deserve better than this, and the longer this goes on, the harder it is to see on the bright side of anything. I always say there's a way, and that things will get better, but I feel so hopeless with each day of no calls, no emails. Nothing at all. Even if I do get the Macy's job, it's only seasonal, part time I believe, and on call. That's shit. It's something and I'll gladly take it, but it's shit.

I'm pretty sure only 1 or 2 people read this blog, if even that, and I don't want to offend anyone or upset anyone, but I want to express what's on my mind right now. I'll probably sound like a broken record, and I really never thought my blog would turn in this direction, but it is a nice outlet to just let it out. I don't want to be seen as a victim or get anyone's pity. Hell I didn't even want to post blog at all until I got some messages on FFXI for the past few days. Anyway, I'll get on with it and just say it. The situation I'm in is my fault, and mine alone.

I went to visit Crystal in Kansas for a week. Due to a series of events, I ended up staying almost 3 months. In this time, Crystal got pregnant. We didn't plan it, but it was by no means unwanted. At this time, I wasn't sure if I should go back to California and look for work there, stay in Kansas and find work, or go back to California to get my stuff and then move up to Kansas permanently and look for a job. I mulled it over in my head a lot during my stay there, and after the anime convention that we went to, which was pretty much the end of "vacation" time and the start of, "what do we do now?" time. With everything that was going on, Crystal was very stressed out. So was I but no where near her. I tried many times to talk to her to get her input on what I should do. I didn't want to stay there unwelcomed, and I didn't want to leave her alone. The last thing she needed at that time though was me being indecisive. It wasn't until her mom gave me an ultimatum of 1 week to find a job, that I thought very hard about it and knew I had to make the choice myself. I had some of my clothes, who cares if I didn't have my computer and other belongings? All I knew was I wanted to be there with her. So I decided to not go back to California, and to start looking for work. A day later I find out I only had 2-3 days to find a job, and come that Sunday, I was being taken to the airport. I found this out on a Friday. I was devastated. I cried a lot. I knew that if only I had made the choice sooner, this wouldn't have happened. So that Sunday I left Kansas and returned home. To top it off, I got a call 2 days after my return, from Walmart in Kansas asking if I was interested in a job. This was my first fuck up.

Let me quickly say before I continue, that I've messed up a lot, I'm nowhere near perfect. When I said at the end of that paragraph that was my first fuck up, I mean the first in my story of why I'm in this situation currently.

When I got back to California, I started looking for work. Pretty steady for the first week. I started waiting. It couldn't be that hard right? Every job I had ever gotten I had done so with just 1 application. This was my first time turning in multiple applications at once. A week or so went by and no reply from anyone. I started filling out applications here and there when they popped up. I kept playing FFXI, going to see my friends on occasion, and waiting. And then more waiting...Did some more apps, still nothing. Crystal started stressing out a lot from it and it was understandable. I started applying more often and going out a lot to get applications. Still nothing. I didn't want to let Crystal down. I could see how much it was hurting her. All I could do was promise things would work out and that I'd get a job soon. I started going out almost every single day getting apps and turning in completed ones, and on days I went out or just stayed in, I was online filling out any application I could find on sites like snagajob, careerbuilder, monster, yahoo hotjobs, indeed, simplyhired, etc. I was making phone calls to many businesses, started looking for work in a bigger distance radius than before. I started calling and applying at fast food places that, admittedly I was avoiding before to leave as a last ditch effort. Pretty much my whole day would be application after application. Though I would stay logged onto FFXI, I hadn't played it, and still haven't much at all, save for 1 event, for weeks. I had barely talked to friends, or done anything.

This was my second major fuck up. Why? Because from the start, if I had tried even half as hard to find a job that I have been for the past month, I'm sure I would have had a job by now. Oh I don't want to travel that far. Oh well I don't want to work at fast food if I don't have to. Oh I filled out some apps today, I should be good for a while. No. Unfortunately, that's not how to get a job in the current economy and job market.

For a while now, I've been seeing Crystal posting on various places about how she's going to have to be the one to work and how the father of the child isn't even trying to look for a job. I told her repeatedly that I was looking and trying. No matter how much I tried, she didn't stop saying these things. Why? I won't get into reasons of why she has trust issues, and if you talk to her yourself or read her own blog maybe you'd understand. When I say you, I really don't know who I'm referring to. This is post, as well as my last couple have been directed towards myself as just a vent to let it out. She's not here, and can't see what I'm doing. All she knows is that it's been months, and I still don't have a job. That I was playing FFXI. That I kept saying oh things will be ok, things will work out. That I went to the movies one day with my friends. From that perspective does that sound like someone that is even trying to get a job? No, of course it doesn't. I deserve what's happening to me right now. Even though I tried and am still trying my best to get a job, all she sees is someone that wasn't trying, and now says that they are. I don't think she would have lost faith in me if I was trying this hard from the start. In fact, like I said earlier, I'd most likely have a job right now if I did.

It hurts to know that Crystal is upset with me and won't talk to me, but do I really have a right to complain about it? No I don't, and I'm trying my best to endure it, and just get a job to take care of my family. Then again, maybe this could be seen as complaining, but I hope not. This is just the truth. I messed up. Bad. And even if I'm posting it here where little to nobody will see it. At least I got it off my chest. If anyone reading this does feel sorry for me, don't. If anything, feel sorry for Crystal and my unborn son, that have someone like me that couldn't man up and try to get shit done when he should have. Not once, but twice.

And the catalyst to this that made me type this all up in the first place, is this screenshot from FFXI. I got a message from the same guy that sent one the other day.


Sorry if the picture is too small and hard to read. Clicking on it should show full size.

I don't usually let things that online strangers say to me hurt me, but with all the shit going on right now, it just got to me some how. It really hurt like, I want to defend against it, but at the same time I deserve it, and I know it.

One last time I want to say, I really don't mean to upset anyone or try to look like a victim. To anyone reading this that doesn't know the situation, I hope this makes things clear. I brought this on myself. I pray things work out, I pray I get a call back from Macy's, but I'm not going to sit around and hope. I took out enough time to write this. Going to fill out more job applications now. I'd say aja aja, but I really don't feel in the mood for it.