Anxiety

These days it feels like the more jobs I apply at, the worse I feel. Every moment that passes by and I'm not getting a phone call or email for an interview, or any time I go in a place or call and they say, "Sorry we aren't hiring at this time." it makes me feel like everything is closing in around me. In the current state of affairs, if not for my mom letting me stay with her, I wouldn't be able to even take care of myself. I need a job so badly so I can take care of the two people that mean most to me in the whole world, Crystal, and our unborn child, Mark. I feel like a big let down to both of them but I'm still trying my best to get a job. This morning I called many places, went through every classified ad in the paper. Double checked that I applied everywhere from the online job site.

It hurts to say it but Crystal deserves better than me. I just want her to be happy and taken care of but lately I've just made things worse and given her more stress, and now when she really needs help the most I can do nothing for her. A store I called this morning told me to try again in one month because they had just hired a lot of new people last week... That could have been me. Why didn't I think to call them until now? Yes, I've been trying to find a job since I got back to California but not as hard as I have been the past week. I'm sure if I tried this hard from the beginning I would have a job and I'd be able to help my loved ones. With Crystal needing to see a specialist for the baby, we need money now even more than ever. She can't pay the rent, and how is she supposed to get a job if she needs to drive two hours out of town a few times a week to see a specialist for our child?

Last night though not intentional, I really upset Crystal and I feel so shitty about it. She's under so much stress and I just make it worse. I know if I had a job a lot of her worries would go away just knowing that I can take care of us as a family. I hope she can forgive me. Well I'll end this here. Taco Bell should open at 10 or 10:30am here so I'm gonna call all the locations near me and pray that one is hiring.

aja aja hwaiting!