As cliche as it sound, I feel 'lost'.

I've been so busy with work that I've neglected this blog, though maybe I just don't have much to say. Well today I have a ton on my mind, but not enough time to express it all.

I don't know where Crystal and I stand anymore, but I don't think it's good. It's crazy how something so small, something that wasn't even an argument, could escalate into something so horrific in the course of just a few hours.

It's like the two of us are seeing two different realities. It's gone on so long now, who knows which reality is right anymore? She takes things I say, ask, do the wrong way and upsets her. It's almost like I'm talking into a machine that completely twists my words and spits them back out at her with malice.

I don't think she's making it up when she feels this way though. Just as I feel my story is the absolute truth as I understand it, I think the same goes for her. From my point of view she's being mean for no reason and rarely showing affection, but perhaps from her honest point of view, I'm treating her like shit and trying to make her feel bad.

How do I handle with something like this? I don't think I'd say I have depression, but I haven been depressed for a while. Crystal on the other hand, does have depression. I've tried to understand it, but it's like where 1+1 = 2 for her, I see the same thing as 1+tree=square. How can I possibly express my feelings for her clearly and the same for her towards me?

Despite feeling hurt and uncared for at times, I've never stopped believing that she truly loves, or at least loved me. If only everyone could see the way she'd treat me and care for me, you'd know why I say this. If she didn't love me, she wouldn't have gone through all of this pain. Just as I am in pain, i f I didn't truly love her I wouldn't have stayed with her or had the emotions I have for her.

I just hope someday I can have a chance to truly express everything to her, but if it is really too late, then I sincerely want to thank her for the years of love and happiness.

I'll always love Crystal and our son Eric and I hope I can still be a part of his life.


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